ROBERT LUND:
I wanna be Al Yankovic
So freakin' bad
With white and nerdy¹ fans I never had
Like Oprah I would start my own
"Al" Magazine²
With Bundy, Sharpton, Qaida, Gore, and Green³

Oh, every time I hear a song
My brain regurgitates it wrong, yeah
So all the words I sing along
Are abnor-mal!
I'd be every fangirl's pal⁴
If I could be Weird Al

SHOEBOX:
Yeah, I'd be crashin' Alapalooza⁵
In my Belvedere Cruiza⁶
Rockin' polka medleys⁷ of
John Phillip Sousa⁸

TV'S KYLE:
I'd be an Amish celebrity⁹
Losing on Jeopardy¹⁰
With shirts like Nick Nolte¹¹
And hair that's Def Leppardy¹²

TOM SMITH:
I'd pimp the grapefruit diet¹³
Go on eBay to buy it¹⁴
I'm no Jerry Springer¹⁵
But in France I'm a riot¹⁶

CARRIE DAHLBY:
I love Rocky Road¹⁷, I'll
Get Kinky¹⁸ with Yoda¹⁹
Gotta boogie²⁰ like the biggest ball of
Spam²¹ in Minnesota²²

SEAMONKEY:
I'd make my roaches wear slippers²³
Fall in love with the Skipper²⁴
Or an anorexic codependent
Bingo addict stripper²⁵

JARED RINGOLD:
I hear Al wants a new duck
That will teach him to swim²⁶
I guess it really must suck
To be a rock star like him²⁸

ROBERT LUND:
I never think a song is done

DEVO SPICE:
The toast is done, the toast is done²⁹

ROBERT LUND:
Until you add accordion³⁰

SPAFF.COM:
'Cause I perform this way, baby!³¹

ROBERT LUND:
I pray for one more Naked Gun³²

THE GREAT LUKE SKI:
Me and OJ³³

ROBERT LUND & DEVO SPICE:
'Til (Yeah) then (Yeah) I (Yeah) shall

ROBERT LUND:
Sing about my root canal

THE GREAT LUKE SKI:
Drill me!³⁴

ROBERT LUND:
When I become Weird Al

THE GREAT LUKE SKI:
Duh-Duh-Duh-Dare to be Stupid
Duh-Dare to be Stupid^{35, 36, 37}

JESSE SMITH:
I'll be the quirkiest! The smirkiest!
My turkey neck's the turkey-est³⁸
Of all the Albuquerque songs
I'll write the Albuquerque-est³⁹

DR. MILO T. PINKERTON III:
I'll kick some pancreass⁴⁰
In this dog-eat-dog business⁴¹
With my billionaire bikini
Supermodel astrophysicist⁴²

SPAFF.COM:
I'm pretty fly for a reverend⁴³
In bolognaphile²⁹ heaven
Making albums in 3-D⁴⁴

BILL DANT:
Which, cubed, is 27²⁷

STEVE GOODIE:
I'm buyin' me a Cuisinart⁴⁵
On Craigslist they're on sale tonight⁴⁶
I'll be the king of waffles⁴⁷, king of suede⁴⁸
And king of cellulite⁴⁹

INSANE IAN:
I would tell your iguana
It smells like Madonna⁵⁰
But right now Nirvana⁵¹
And I just don't wanna⁵²

JEFF REUBEN:
And if money won't buy happiness
I'll just go and rent it⁵³
So listen up, you weasel stompers⁵⁴:

DR. DEMENTO:
Stay demented!⁵⁵

ROBERT LUND:
I wanna be Al Yankovic
So fetchin' bad

THE GREAT LUKE SKI:
Even worse⁵⁶

ROBERT LUND:
I promise I'll be mellow when I'm dead⁵⁷

DEVO SPICE:
Like a car battery⁵⁸

ROBERT LUND:
I wanna do the Today Show on
All-"Al" TV⁵⁹

DEVO SPICE:
On UHF⁶⁰

ROBERT LUND
With Roker and Capone and Al-i G³

THE GREAT LUKE SKI:
H-O-D-A Hoda!^{19, 61} What up!²

ROBERT LUND:
They say I'm close but no cigars⁴²

DEVO SPICE:
You're pitiful!⁶²

ROBERT LUND:
To radioactive CNR's⁶³

THE GREAT LUKE SKI:
Chuck. Norris. Revisited.⁶⁴

ROBERT LUND:
From a planet near Bruno Mars^{37, 65}

THE GREAT LUKE SKI:
Freddie Mercury?⁶⁶

ROBERT LUND & DEVO SPICE:
I'd (Yeah) puke (Yeah) Cris- (Yeah) tal⁶⁷

ROBERT LUND:
And I'd be Harvey the Wonder Hamster's pal⁶⁸
If I could be Weird Al

DEVO SPICE:
Stuh-Stuh-Stuh-Stuck in the Drive-Through⁶⁹
Wuh-With Vanna White, dude^{70, 36}

ROBERT LUND:
I wanna be Al Yankovic

DEVO SPICE:
Me too.

THE GREAT LUKE SKI:
Me three.

ROBERT LUND:
So stinkin' bad

"WEIRD AL" YANKOVIC:
"I wish I could be Weird Al too. Wait - I am Weird Al. Ha! Cool! Ha-HA!"⁷¹

REFERENCES:
1. "White and Nerdy"
2. In "Billionaire" we're next to Oprah on Forbes magazine. "What up, Oprah!"
3. Other, less-famous Als.
4. They get it.
5. Alapalooza
6. "Belvedere Cruising"
7. "Polkas on 45" et al.
8. Sousa was also a parodist. He turned the Monty Python theme into a march called "The Liberty Bell."
9. "Amish Paradise"
10. "I Lost on Jeopardy"
11. Do a Google Images search for Nick Nolte.
12. Ditto Def Leppard.
13. "Grapefruit Diet"
14. "eBay"
15. "Jerry Springer"
16. "Genius in France"
17. "I Love Rocky Road"
18. Al parodied the Kinks' "Lola" as...
19. "Yoda"
20. "Gotta Boogie"
21. "Spam"
22. "The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota"
23. "Trash Day"
24. "I'm in Love with the Skipper"
25. "Talk Soup"
26. "I Want a New Duck"
27...is Al's number.
28. "My Baby's in Love with Eddie Vedder"
29. "My Bologna"
30. And so we shall.
31. "Perform This Way"
32. Al is in all three Naked Gun movies.
33. So is OJ Simpson.
34. "Cavity Search"
35. "Dare to Be Stupid"
36. Like "Another Tattoo," these lines parody "Nothin' on You" by B.o.B. f/ Bruno Mars.
37. Yep, Bruno Mars again.
38. "Generic Blues"
39. "Albuquerque"
40. "Pancreas"
41. "Dog Eat Dog"
42. "Close But No Cigar"
43. "Pretty Fly for a Rabbi"
44. "Weird Al" Yankovic in 3-D
45. "Buy Me a Condo"
46. "Craigslist"
47. "Waffle King"
48. "King of Suede"
49. "Fat"
50. "Like a Surgeon"
51. "Smells Like Nirvana"
52. "Iguana" (the entire song!)
53. "This Is the Life"
54. "Weasel Stomping Day"
55. Al got his start on the Dr. Demento Show.
56. Even Worse
57. "I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead"
58. "Dead Car Battery Blues"
59. Incidentally, it's time for another episode of Al TV.
60. "UHF"
61. Hoda Kotb, like "Weird Al" Roker, does the Today Show.
62. "You're Pitiful"
63. "CNR"
64. It actually stands for Charles Nelson Reilly.
65. "Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters from a Planet Near Mars"
66. Al has covered "Bohemian Rhapsody," parodied "Another One Bites the Dust," and pastiched Queen with "Ringtone."
67. The go-to beverage of fatuous celebrities.
68. "Harvey the Wonder Hamster"
69. "Trapped in the Drive-Thru"
70. "Stuck in a Closet with Vanna White"
71. Says Al: "I'm absolutely honored by this and they have my full approval. Please send along my sincere gratitude to Spaff and the gang!" Back atcha, Al.

© 2011+ Spaff, LLC