- Good morning, sports fans. Neil and Bob here. Welcome to the Wide-World Augusta Championship Pro-Am Open Masters Invitational Celebration of...

GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! BALLS!

GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! BALLS!

- Now let's welcome to the platform this upstanding young woman from Nevada. You may recognize her from "Who Wants to Do a Billionaire?" She's here to start our day with the Tiger Woods National Anthem.
- How sweet of her. I see that she's wearing a "Just Do It" T-shirt.
- Actually, I believe that's body paint, Bob.

I was lame
No one knew my name
Had no game, got no glory
But stuff happens in Vegas, and who should happen on me
But a jock with his cocktail in hand

And then
I bagged a Tiger, now I'm Hollywood hot
Sold my soul to the National Enquirer
Got my own stalkerazzi taking big-money shots
Went from nameless to famous when I
Bagged a Tiger

- Now that's inspiring.
- Yes, a Cinderella story, out of nowhere....

Then I find
He's not all mine
I've been in line with ten others
- Twenty! Thirty! Forty!
It's not just me on TMZ and ET
How indiscreet! He should cheat just with me!

Although
I bagged a Tiger, seems it's par for the course
Lots of folks have taken strokes with his 9-iron
Now at least half the planet claims they're swinging with Woods
They're all oogled and Googled 'cause I
Bagged a Tiger

- Wow, that's rough. What do you have to say about all these women, Tiger?
- They're grrrrreat!

All big types
Of cats show their stripes
He's been a-lion' and a cheetah
- Wow, bad puns, Bob.
But soon the public will forgive and forget
And that means: forgive him, forget me

But while I've got the spotlight:
I bagged a Tiger and I'm here to proclaim
He's a much better putter than a driver
When this scandal survivor's back on top of his game
I've still got the golf clap 'cause I
Bagged a Tiger

- Who's your caddy!

GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! BALLS!
(etc.)

- Wow, Tiger really shanked that one, Bob.
- Gotta watch out for those shankers.
I bagged a Tiger
- He must have told those women he had a US Open marriage.
- It all depends on the lie.
Yeah, I banged a Tiger
- Ya know, his wife's pretty teed off. She called him a PGA-hole.
- Ooh, now that's a hazard.
I boinked a Tiger
- He'd better keep his balls clean, or he could face sudden death.
- Remember, this all started with a car wreck....
I nailed a Tiger
- ...He could blame the whole thing on his Caddy.
- Tiger has lots of cars.
- He got a hole in one.
Face it, Tiger, you just hit the jackpot.
- What's the difference between an Escalade and a golf ball?
- I don't know, Bob, what is the difference between an Escalade and a golf ball?
I boinked a Tiger
- Tiger can drive a golf ball over 100 yards.
I spelunked a Tiger

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