PERFORMED BY ROBERT LUND
13 'Cept for Bozeman
20 Please somewhere cool
21 Her name was Natalie
33 It said Bozeman
40 He lost his lunch
41 His name is Clay-uhn
53 'Cause of Bozeman
60 Don't fall in love
01 When saying words like "Clayton" and "Layton," many Utahns replace the "t" with a glottal stop. Maybe people do this elsewhere, too, but it definitely happens here in the Rocky Mou-uhns. 03 Mormon men usually start their missionary service at age 19. For women, it's 21, which gives them two extra years to (hopefully) get married. 04 The Y = BYU = Brigham Young University. (Not to be confused with the YMCA, which I don't think exists in Utah.) 06 D.T. = Deseret Towers, BYU dorms. (Oh, the stories I could tell.) 08 Mormon missionaries don't get to choose where on the globe they will serve; instead, their fate is determined via a mission call, which comes in the form of a letter from the Church President ("the Prophet") himself. 13 Look, there's nothing wrong with Bozeman. It's a lovely town. Mormon kids, however, typically dream of going on a mission somewhere that requires an international flight, not a drive up the interstate. 15 Batesville is rumored to have more than its share of disgruntled postal workers. 35 Yes, Virginia, there is a Magna, Utah. 45 G.A. = General Authority = Bigwig Mormon leader (generally quite authoritative). 46 Conference = The One Hundred Seventy-Somethingth Semiannual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (If you think the name is long, you should hear some of the talks.) 48 In 2000, The Church moved General Conference from its historic digs (the Tabernacle on Temple Square) to a 21,000-seat behemoth across the street called the Conference Center (or "Supernacle," if you prefer). 49 Choir = The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. (Technically, it should now be called the Latter-Day Saint Conference Center Choir.) 50 Boyd K. Packer is one of the highest-profile G.A.'s. And that's all I'm going to say about that. 55 Mormon men serve missions for two years. For women, it's 18 months, which gives them six extra months to (hopefully) get married. 58 A Son of Perdition is someone who is pretty much toast in the afterlife. To become a Son of Perdition, Clay-uhn would have to be guilty of stuff much more serious than a General Conference smackdown. But, hey, it rhymes. 59 It's actually in Billings. 60 Yes, I lifted the final line directly from "Copacabana." It is, after all, the moral of every tragic story.
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